Does she not deserve it so, at least in measure, after how she has lived?
[He was not alone with that feeling, though Jehan didn't fear it. Impossible to truly spoil someone, where there was no air, or sunshine, or rain.
Threading his fingers through Courfeyrac's, he gave a hum. He did not want to burden him, or sour the mood; but perhaps Bahorel's reproach was correct. Childishly, he also did not want him to go. So, a compromise.]
Nothing is on my mind at present, except the flowers you have sat there. Are you busy? Would you stay for a while?
[A little squeeze of his fingers and Jehan edged to the side, to lean against him.
Bahorel did have his point, regarding Courfeyrac as well. That he could seem to be suffocating. But quite honestly, for a man who had never dabbled so fully in relations with a partner, he was not used to smothering one. Also, he had many friends, and made them easily; it really did give Jehan ample time to wander, to read, to write; to do whatever it was that he pleased, without feeling as if Reynaud was cloying, or visca versa.
But then, in moments such as this; it was good that he would come. And simply be.
It made Jehan feel better, where normally he'd plunge completely into a mood and stay in it for quite some time.]
I should think of something to speak on, but I'm a little at a loss. Have you slept yet?
[He allowed Jehan the chance to mull over whatever was troubling him. Courfeyrac knew that there was something niggling at the corner of his mind. But if he wanted to speak about it, he would.
As it were, he squeezed Jehan's hand lightly and let him lean against him. When at last he spoke, Courfeyrac gave a small laugh.]
I have not in some time. And even then, nothing comfortable. And you?
None at all, very nearly. It seems to be a ship-wide problem. But you're resilient despite it; it's a strong sort of person who smiles in the face of exhaustion.
[Noted, rubbing his thumb over Courfeyrac's forefinger idly.]
[Unable to come up with a proper response to that, Courfeyrac merely smiled slightly and pressed his nose to Jehan's temple.]
I had not seen her before, but I can only imagine that she does. She was happy and went on about the food, so I am certain she has sampled quite a bit of it.
That's well, then. I'm glad of it. You know, she shows an interest in writing? We have so much paper from our trip, I don't see any harm in sparing a few sheets to improve her hand. She's such a grateful thing, it is impossible not to see how much we've taken for granted in how little she treasures so much. I feel she may be teaching us.
Does she? I believe, in that case, you should offer her the chance. I assured her I would share some of our chocolates the next time she and I crossed paths...
Yes. Yes, of course; I already have. I think it's wonderful.
[So many women here had complained to him about being educated. Complaints, about free and equal education! He could not fathom it.
But trying to fathom it was proving easier than thinking about what was really on his mind. Wetting his lips, he made a little bit of a face, and thought about what he and Combeferre had discussed-- or understood-- if only briefly.
[He would go with caution here, for both their sakes. Giving his hand another squeeze, faintly discomfited, he offered quietly,]
I am upset. It will pass, and I shouldn't wish to burden you with why; you know that I can be in the habit of being morose, and you are as a saint to put up with it so cheerfully; but. I... wanted to say so. I am upset, and it is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.
[There are some things that put him on edge... And it's not that this did? But the way the inquiry was phrased and the somber nature of the conversation already.
Well, you couldn't blame him for the twinge of panic.]
[Had he known there was a twinge of panic, he would have felt for it, and tried to soothe it. As he did not, he simply moved ahead.]
...Do you find that I act very much younger, than you? Than-- anyone, really? Combeferre, or Enjolras?
[He let two names hang unsaid, the better to seem inconspicuous and as off-the-cuff as was possible.]
And... if so, has it caused a burden? With my getting lost, and whatever else it is I do; do you collectively feel a need to look after me, for fear I could not do so myself?
[He shifted a little, as to better look at Jehan. One hand cupped his cheek, stroking his thumb over his jaw in an attempt to coax his gaze up. The other hand remained entwined with his.]
I would think that I am the youngest acting of the group... and Combeferre and Enjolras have their moments, of that I am certain. The dress incident comes to mind with one such friend of ours.
[Pressing his lips together and sighing, he leaned to press his forehead to Jehan's.]
That is to say, we all have our moments. But yours are no more than theirs. And you are anything but a burden. Had it been myself that was lost, I would be under the same watch. Cher, I know, and the others know, that you are capable of looking after yourself. Combeferre's fear stemmed from our fate and the foreign nature of this vessel... the fact that I remained secluded in my room and you were the one to go on an adventure? I have reason to believe that is the only reason he followed you as such.
The lot of us would better from a buddy system, but that too stems from the remembrance of how we left Paris.
You say pretty, and generous things, and you compare me amiably, and you are trying to comfort me, I can see. I don't doubt your honesty; for you speak wisely, and what you say is so. But... while it is kind, it does not answer my question, per say.
[Knowing that Courfeyrac was coaxing him, he did peer up when their foreheads met, and offered what of a smile that he could.]
In Paris, you know; I learned on my own, but did not go to a regular school like yourselves. I wrote, and that brought income, but I had a stipend and not a job, as the rest of you largely did. I kept no mistresses, in the way you all seemed to support some such another life, or lives. Is it no childish? I wonder, is all. Combeferre's worries were proven justified, dress or no, and even you-- you only began to stay here because you worried for me, isn't it so?
So I ask you, in your own opinion; do I seem childish, to you? Everyone has their moments, as you say, and I don't ask that. I am asking if you think I am a little bit... deficient, or incapable, as compared to the rest of you?
[He asked this evenly, honestly wanting to know, not in any preparation to be offended. But that alone really, truly bothered him in what Bahorel had said, and moreover had been really, truly bothering him since boarding here; and especially since meeting Eponine. That they were all a bit naive was clear; but did it equate to being kiddish?]
[Well, he wouldn't be a lawyer if he didn't try to evade difficult questions sometimes. Still, even at the forced smile of Jehan's, he frowned even further.]
I do not find you deficient or incapable compared to the rest of us. You lose yourself to thought, but let that not be compared to being childish or incapable of watching over yourself. My mistresses were a plenty and I hardly supported all of them at the same time... They did not stay long enough to warrant that.
Simply because you did not act as the rest of us does not make you anymore childish.
[He took that in, thought it over a moment, then gave a careful nod. It was a fair answer, and Courfeyrac's thinking so did help. Which, perhaps it was childish in an of itself to rely on the opinion of others; but that he did not make a habit of, and would not chide himself for. It was helpful to know how someone else felt, to get out of his own mind, and Reynaud rightly pointed out was a habit of his.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 05:44 pm (UTC)[Glancing up as Courfeyrac set the thing on his head, he breathed a soft laugh when he understood what it was, glancing sidelong at him.]
I didn't know you knew how to make these.
[Poorly made or not; still surprising in effect, and still sweet in gesture.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 05:48 pm (UTC)[A small smile, though he's still a little worried over the short nature of their text conversation... and how distracted he seemed now.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 05:55 pm (UTC)[He gave a smile, but it came up tight.]
A girl named Nil taught me, here. She was kind to keep her laugher light.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:09 pm (UTC)[His hand found one of Jehan's however and he gave it a squeeze.]
What is on your mind, cher?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:18 pm (UTC)[He was not alone with that feeling, though Jehan didn't fear it. Impossible to truly spoil someone, where there was no air, or sunshine, or rain.
Threading his fingers through Courfeyrac's, he gave a hum. He did not want to burden him, or sour the mood; but perhaps Bahorel's reproach was correct. Childishly, he also did not want him to go. So, a compromise.]
Nothing is on my mind at present, except the flowers you have sat there. Are you busy? Would you stay for a while?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:29 pm (UTC)[Hardly childishly at all, Courfeyrac would quell that thought if he heard it voiced.]
I'm not busy in the slightest... Of course I'll stay for a while.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:34 pm (UTC)[A little squeeze of his fingers and Jehan edged to the side, to lean against him.
Bahorel did have his point, regarding Courfeyrac as well. That he could seem to be suffocating. But quite honestly, for a man who had never dabbled so fully in relations with a partner, he was not used to smothering one. Also, he had many friends, and made them easily; it really did give Jehan ample time to wander, to read, to write; to do whatever it was that he pleased, without feeling as if Reynaud was cloying, or visca versa.
But then, in moments such as this; it was good that he would come. And simply be.
It made Jehan feel better, where normally he'd plunge completely into a mood and stay in it for quite some time.]
I should think of something to speak on, but I'm a little at a loss. Have you slept yet?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:46 pm (UTC)As it were, he squeezed Jehan's hand lightly and let him lean against him. When at last he spoke, Courfeyrac gave a small laugh.]
I have not in some time. And even then, nothing comfortable. And you?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:49 pm (UTC)[Noted, rubbing his thumb over Courfeyrac's forefinger idly.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 06:56 pm (UTC)[Another soft chuckle has him leaning back against Jehan.]
But if even I have lost my smile, what kind of darkness will we then find ourselves in?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:01 pm (UTC)[He gave a soft smile, relaxing by bits.]
Was Mademoiselle Eponine looking well when you saw her? A bit better fed?
[101 Distractions.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:19 pm (UTC)I had not seen her before, but I can only imagine that she does. She was happy and went on about the food, so I am certain she has sampled quite a bit of it.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:28 pm (UTC)[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:40 pm (UTC)[He sighs, smiling a little, truly, now.]
I agree. We are each learning from the other.
[How depressing it had to become so in death.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:43 pm (UTC)[So many women here had complained to him about being educated. Complaints, about free and equal education! He could not fathom it.
But trying to fathom it was proving easier than thinking about what was really on his mind. Wetting his lips, he made a little bit of a face, and thought about what he and Combeferre had discussed-- or understood-- if only briefly.
Perhaps it was unfair to Courfeyrac.]
Cher?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:52 pm (UTC)But he wouldn't dwell on it... He glanced back at Jehan when the endearment was spoken quietly.]
Hmm?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 07:57 pm (UTC)I am upset. It will pass, and I shouldn't wish to burden you with why; you know that I can be in the habit of being morose, and you are as a saint to put up with it so cheerfully; but. I... wanted to say so. I am upset, and it is more exhausting than the lack of sleep.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:08 pm (UTC)I had a feeling that was the case. [A pause and he rubs his thumb over Jehan's hand.]
What can I do to help?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:11 pm (UTC)[Pausing a moment, he finally decided,]
May I ask you something, though?
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:13 pm (UTC)[There are some things that put him on edge... And it's not that this did? But the way the inquiry was phrased and the somber nature of the conversation already.
Well, you couldn't blame him for the twinge of panic.]
Of course, you can always ask me something.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:17 pm (UTC)...Do you find that I act very much younger, than you? Than-- anyone, really? Combeferre, or Enjolras?
[He let two names hang unsaid, the better to seem inconspicuous and as off-the-cuff as was possible.]
And... if so, has it caused a burden? With my getting lost, and whatever else it is I do; do you collectively feel a need to look after me, for fear I could not do so myself?
[The question is quiet, somber.]
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:29 pm (UTC)I would think that I am the youngest acting of the group... and Combeferre and Enjolras have their moments, of that I am certain. The dress incident comes to mind with one such friend of ours.
[Pressing his lips together and sighing, he leaned to press his forehead to Jehan's.]
That is to say, we all have our moments. But yours are no more than theirs. And you are anything but a burden. Had it been myself that was lost, I would be under the same watch. Cher, I know, and the others know, that you are capable of looking after yourself. Combeferre's fear stemmed from our fate and the foreign nature of this vessel... the fact that I remained secluded in my room and you were the one to go on an adventure? I have reason to believe that is the only reason he followed you as such.
The lot of us would better from a buddy system, but that too stems from the remembrance of how we left Paris.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 08:41 pm (UTC)[Knowing that Courfeyrac was coaxing him, he did peer up when their foreheads met, and offered what of a smile that he could.]
In Paris, you know; I learned on my own, but did not go to a regular school like yourselves. I wrote, and that brought income, but I had a stipend and not a job, as the rest of you largely did. I kept no mistresses, in the way you all seemed to support some such another life, or lives. Is it no childish? I wonder, is all. Combeferre's worries were proven justified, dress or no, and even you-- you only began to stay here because you worried for me, isn't it so?
So I ask you, in your own opinion; do I seem childish, to you? Everyone has their moments, as you say, and I don't ask that. I am asking if you think I am a little bit... deficient, or incapable, as compared to the rest of you?
[He asked this evenly, honestly wanting to know, not in any preparation to be offended. But that alone really, truly bothered him in what Bahorel had said, and moreover had been really, truly bothering him since boarding here; and especially since meeting Eponine. That they were all a bit naive was clear; but did it equate to being kiddish?]
Forgive me for pressing.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 09:02 pm (UTC)I do not find you deficient or incapable compared to the rest of us. You lose yourself to thought, but let that not be compared to being childish or incapable of watching over yourself. My mistresses were a plenty and I hardly supported all of them at the same time... They did not stay long enough to warrant that.
Simply because you did not act as the rest of us does not make you anymore childish.
[Action]
Date: 2013-09-25 09:09 pm (UTC)Thank you, petit chou. Then that is all.
[To seal it, he pressed a kiss to his jaw.]
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